An old friend of mine got married this last weekend. I wasn't invited. In fact, I'm 29 years old in a few days and I have yet to go to a friend's wedding. My best friend married years ago and only gave people 3 weeks notice to get to vegas... that wasn't possible for me. My other great friend got married in figi.. I wasn't even invited to the reception when they got back. (we were on and off friends at that point in time). I have no other great friends in the world. This group of people that I used to hang with in high school and for a couple years after, used to be my best friends. There were about 10-15 of us that all hung out on a regular basis. I split away from the group to get sober about 5 years ago... they are all getting married and having children...and it's terribly sad to me that I am not a part of their lives anymore. It makes me heart sick. It makes me think of all that I gave up to get sober. I only ever had friends that did drugs or friends that got drunk(heck they all still get drunk together).. I only ever had those guys. I never had anyone else. So, getting sober.. I had to leave them all behind.. it was a great loss. It's a sad day to wake up and realize that you have no one in your life but your family. Should that be enough? maybe.. for some.. but it's not for me. I miss my dear old friends. I miss them something awful.

been feeling blue as of late... well.. late this evening anyways.
I was told that I seem mildly depressed..it didn't really occur to me that I might be depressed until I was told that. So, then, of course, I start thinking about all the symptoms of depression like a good little student of psychology, and of course, all the signs are there.. but something just isn't right about it all. If there's one thing I know about depression is that you have to FEEL depressed... or sad... or something along the lines of negativity on a daily basis for quite some time... well.. I don't feel sad. I feel tired sometimes.. but I have a 6 month old child.. and what mom doesnt feel tired. I feel sad sometimes that I don't have closer friends.. and sad that the close friends I DO have don't live close at all..hundreds of miles away actually. And yeah I complain about my body, being overweight and having cramps and headaches and blah blah.. again.. what woman/mother doesn't? Not that I think it's right to complain all the time.. but how different am I really when I complain about how I look or that I'm bleeding and in pain? Not so out of the ordinary, I think.
Then again.. I am a Chrsitian.. and as a Christian.. one should not live life complaining all the time.. but here I am only human as well..

so it seems to me.. that this person that has so freely given me their opinion of my obvious depression.. can go suck an egg. Thank you very much for diagnosing my problem in life. Clearly it is that I have some sort of a mental disorder and not just having a bad day or maybe a bad week.. or god forbid just a plain old bad attitude.
i am an alcoholic that hasn't had a drink in over 4 years. I am a smoker that hasn't had a cigarette in almost 2 years. I am a poet that no longer rhymes. I am an artist that can't seem to create. I am a new mother and a new wife and not in that order. I am a chocoholic that hasn't had chocolate in days. I am more overweight than I have ever been in my whole life. my best friend almost died last month. she lives 4 states away from me. I can't seem to figure out how to have close friends, when all I need is an ear. i know who I am and Im not sorry for it.. but I do need to be understood and I need peole to be patient with me. There are a lot of things within me that I fight with daily and if I can't complain about a headache every now and then or be upset about having no friends or how Im beyond overweight.. then perhaps I'll just have a drink and smoke a cig.

so I havent written in this thing so.. um.. well.. years.. apparently.. I should write more often.. but I find I only have a strong desire to write when I have been hurt.. so anyhow.. that strong desire came to me the other day.. and I wrote this. that is all.




trudging through this path with you..
spirit bruised
black and blue
mindful that we're through

constant query
scarcely a reply
grown weary
from this disregard
from this slight
of mind

little bubbles to the surface of reality
in the swamp of life
cuts like a knife
so much strife

ask the question
of meant to be

not meant to be
never with me
you see

we are like road signs
fading in the distance
on a darkened night
you and me
we travel worlds apart
in only a breath
of time
moment of mine
we intertwine

no more

untangle the roots of love
that planted its seed
with this need
with this greed
for your love

mangled and jaded
twisted and faded
shipped out and traded

there will be a peace
of separation
this segregation
of your heart with mine

there will be a piece
left with you
of that Im sure
the past concurs

and I am crazy today
and maybe tomorrow
I will regain this sense of self
so many talk about
and voices shout
at me
to be me
to forget you
and somehow I doubt
this is meant to be
you and me
you see

tears will be shed
there will be lives misled
along the way
hungry heart was fed
then left for dead
and bled dry
gone awry
perfect lie?
like fools gold
in my hands
I hold
this heart of mine
lost in time

feed me a line
and all along I will grin and say
with a wince on my face
it is for the better
its best we displace
from this place
of futile distaste
and disgrace
its a race to heal
its a chase

away from you
from me

not meant to be
never with you
you see

It's been awhile since I've done this blog thing. I'm not too fond of putting my thoughts onto a screen of white.. or any other color for that matter. I guess I do have a few things I could get out of my head though.
You know.. I go to AA meetings on a regular basis.. almost daily. Therein meaning that I get a lot out of my head on a daily basis. The concept of Alcoholics Anonymous or any other gathering of the sort, is quite amazing. I go and sit at a table with a bunch of people that I wouldn't otherwise normally associate with. Not that I wouldn't associate with them... just that it life has its quirks and our paths cross in odd ways. Besides all that confusion I just brought to mind, I sit with these people and talk about issues. Life or death issues, issues on love, hate, anger, resentment, confusion, acceptance, change, emotions, daily occurances... life in general really. These people sit there and listen to me and know exactly what Im talking about without me having to go into too much detail. they know the emotions associated with the topic. they know the outcome, the forward, the prestige. they know exactly the situation. at first I found it odd and annoying that I my life is not unique. that my situations are not a sole occurance. but as I go more and more I am so grateful that there are people out there that understand me. That know exactly who I am.. because they too.. are exactly like me. Our thinking is so freakishly similar. I have been to quite a few open talks, where people tell you what is what like, where the change came, and what its like now and 9 times out of 10, they are telling my story. they sit up there and speak my life back to me. Its freakin weird. I like it now though. I like having a place to go where I can just sit and be known...and I mena really known. where I can speak and be understood. Alcoholism isn't really a drinking problem at all.. quite the contrary.. we all have no problem drinking whatsoever. in fact I think we have perfected the activity. but no, really, alcoholism is a thinking problem.. the thoughts and emotions drive an adict to drink. "stinkin thinkin" hahaha
hmm. thats about as far as Im gonna go with that.
When I got sober 4 months ago, I was talking with a life long friend.. and she simply said, "Yeah, isn't life beautiful?" It brings tears to my eyes. Life is so unbelievably wonderful. I never knew. I just.. never knew. I was so afraid of what might be, of all the 'what ifs'.
I am so at peace today. I am so excited about what is to come in life. I have no idea what that may be but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I'm not scared of what tomorrow may bring. I welcome this existance like a child again and for that I am grateful.

Well, today is Friday.. Thank the good Lord. I'm not sure how I feel about my job here in mattress land. I sit on my butt in front of a computer all day, surrounded by the grayness that is my cube. I answer phones and talk to ignorant people 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time I am speaking with slightly less ignorant people. Needless to say.. This just doesn't quite satisfy me. Daily my soul yearns to be out in the world making a difference. I suppose I do the country a good service in the way that I sell mattresses to people. People need a good mattress in order to get a good rest. If people are well rested around this nation there is a better chance that peace will prevail. I know that when I do not get a good nights sleep I become irritable, restless and discontent. So, in a way.. I suppose I am working for the betterment of the nation as a whole. But at the same time.. I think I'm just talking out of my ass.

Bah

I am seriously considering a new job. I like the people I work with and for what I do I get paid well... Again, for what I do. But money really means nothing more to me than spending it. I and not interested in having an excess amount of money. I never have been. Im a simple girl looking to live a simple life. I do not own anything remotely fancy. I do not have an Ipod or anything more than a huge portable CD player that I've had since I was in 6th grade. Shit.. I don't even own a TV let alone a cell phone. A lot of my friends look at me like Im out of the stone age. Honestly, I just do not see the need for these things in my life. Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on others in any way, shape or form whatsoever for buying fancy thing that make their life more 'convenient'. I have always been the kind of person to live and let live. What other people do and why does not affect me in my journey through life. My serenity and peace would be non-existent if I let other people's actions sway me whatsoever.

Though I am quite content at this moment in my life, I do have desires to better it. My ideal life would be living on a farm....Or a ranch.. Either one. Any place really, where self sufficiency is a way of life. Cows for milk, trees for oxygen, bees for honey, crop for food, well for water, flowers for beauty, river for fishing.. Etc.. You get the picture. I am just not all about the hubbub of city living. I enjoy pottery. Id love to get the clay from the earth and make my own 'dinner ware'. I love sewing. I love to make my own clothes and mend others clothing as well. I enjoy baking and cooking and gardening and taking care of animals. What I am doing in suburban America, I have not a clue. Basically, it either boils down to money enough to buy land to create this farm life for myself, there in being the reason for this job, or is boils down to knowing the right people. If I could meet someone who lives on a farm and would let me live there and work on there farm everyday and contribute....My God.. That would be my heaven.

My mother thinks I am strange for this way of life. She would though. She lives in one of the richest counties in Michigan, in a house that is 9x too big for the 3 people living in it. It is filled to the brim with every gidget, gadget, electronic device and convenience known to man. I don't understand that way of life, but I accept that that's the way she and my father have chosen to live. Good for them for spending 45 years laboring in their field of choice, spending their earnings on material possessions that indeed will not be joining them after they pass from this life. *sigh* That...My friends.... Is what I do not get.

ok, I guess that's about for today. I am just especially bogged down by the bleak cube life. It doesn't help that it is 80 degrees and sunny out. This boxed life is not for me. I'd rather be smearing a dandelion on my skin, walking barefoot in the mud and stopping to hug a tree every now and then.

Hmm.. Interesting world this blogging is. I've never felt the need to 'blog'. This would indeed be the first time that I have ever participated in such an act. I wanted to post a comment about my coworkers 'blog' and in order to do this, I was forced to sign up as a 'blogger'. What the piss does this word 'blog' mean anyhow? Is this a short was of saying a 'bitchin log'? Or a 'bastard's log'? Or in my case a 'bitch's log'? I don't get it....and why must the only things that come to mind about this 'blog' word include some sort of crude word? Does this say something about the word 'blog'? Or does it say something about me? Very interesting thoughts meandering through this brain of mine. Either that of very very dull thoughts. Who's to decide anyhow. One mans trash is another mans treasure. One mans pain is another mans pleasure. We live in a world of perception. Hmm.. Again with the ramblings....ramblongs...ramblogs...amblogs..blogs...blog..blo.. just B. That's much better. So, here I sit.. Typing to the B. Leg shaking. Mind racing. Boredom takes over and I will succumb.