An old friend of mine got married this last weekend. I wasn't invited. In fact, I'm 29 years old in a few days and I have yet to go to a friend's wedding. My best friend married years ago and only gave people 3 weeks notice to get to vegas... that wasn't possible for me. My other great friend got married in figi.. I wasn't even invited to the reception when they got back. (we were on and off friends at that point in time). I have no other great friends in the world. This group of people that I used to hang with in high school and for a couple years after, used to be my best friends. There were about 10-15 of us that all hung out on a regular basis. I split away from the group to get sober about 5 years ago... they are all getting married and having children...and it's terribly sad to me that I am not a part of their lives anymore. It makes me heart sick. It makes me think of all that I gave up to get sober. I only ever had friends that did drugs or friends that got drunk(heck they all still get drunk together).. I only ever had those guys. I never had anyone else. So, getting sober.. I had to leave them all behind.. it was a great loss. It's a sad day to wake up and realize that you have no one in your life but your family. Should that be enough? maybe.. for some.. but it's not for me. I miss my dear old friends. I miss them something awful.

been feeling blue as of late... well.. late this evening anyways.
I was told that I seem mildly depressed..it didn't really occur to me that I might be depressed until I was told that. So, then, of course, I start thinking about all the symptoms of depression like a good little student of psychology, and of course, all the signs are there.. but something just isn't right about it all. If there's one thing I know about depression is that you have to FEEL depressed... or sad... or something along the lines of negativity on a daily basis for quite some time... well.. I don't feel sad. I feel tired sometimes.. but I have a 6 month old child.. and what mom doesnt feel tired. I feel sad sometimes that I don't have closer friends.. and sad that the close friends I DO have don't live close at all..hundreds of miles away actually. And yeah I complain about my body, being overweight and having cramps and headaches and blah blah.. again.. what woman/mother doesn't? Not that I think it's right to complain all the time.. but how different am I really when I complain about how I look or that I'm bleeding and in pain? Not so out of the ordinary, I think.
Then again.. I am a Chrsitian.. and as a Christian.. one should not live life complaining all the time.. but here I am only human as well..

so it seems to me.. that this person that has so freely given me their opinion of my obvious depression.. can go suck an egg. Thank you very much for diagnosing my problem in life. Clearly it is that I have some sort of a mental disorder and not just having a bad day or maybe a bad week.. or god forbid just a plain old bad attitude.
i am an alcoholic that hasn't had a drink in over 4 years. I am a smoker that hasn't had a cigarette in almost 2 years. I am a poet that no longer rhymes. I am an artist that can't seem to create. I am a new mother and a new wife and not in that order. I am a chocoholic that hasn't had chocolate in days. I am more overweight than I have ever been in my whole life. my best friend almost died last month. she lives 4 states away from me. I can't seem to figure out how to have close friends, when all I need is an ear. i know who I am and Im not sorry for it.. but I do need to be understood and I need peole to be patient with me. There are a lot of things within me that I fight with daily and if I can't complain about a headache every now and then or be upset about having no friends or how Im beyond overweight.. then perhaps I'll just have a drink and smoke a cig.